Sunday, September 27, 2009


It wasn't gastroentritis. Damn me for missing such sign & symptom. It may be his last days, and i'm gonna be by his side.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

.she had laughed, too.

Watching the kids play, and quarrel and sulk, i wrote this, at my kampung. Just a bit of the older kids version.


Liolle sat on a high wall alone.

Riobbe and Melleu were laughing at him.

There was a ‘kick me’ note on his back.


Riobbe was sad.

Melleu and Boog were laughing at him.

They have a ‘kick me’ note on his back.


Melleu was sad.

Liolle and Boog were laughing at him.

They pasted a ‘kick me’ note on his back.


Kaloona was sad.

Boog and Danda were chuckling behind her.

They wouldn’t tell why.

They have a ‘kick me’ note on her back.


Toonte was left alone.

He has no friends for now.

They were still giggling behind him.

They wouldn’t tell why.

They have a ‘kick me’ note behind him.


Toonte and Kaloona pasted a ‘kick me’ note behind Quwg some time ago. They had laughed, too.


Norah watched them all in silence. Cracked a ‘whatever’ grin for the stereotypic events.

Ipod in her ears, she couldn’t hear, that Jealaine, Hamuqa and Feswa are giggling behind her too. She just couldn’t be bothered though, for she knows, when someone ACTUALLY kicked her, she’ll have her muay-thai ready.



Tuesday, September 22, 2009

.until proven otherwise.

Assalamualaikum and good day.

It's the 3 rd day of RAYA people! Have you visit your family & friends' houses yet? And more importantly, have you asked for enough forgiveness this year? I haven't. Wuwu~ (-.-")

So far my raya has been okay. Although Tok Ayah has been a little sick lately. He's slimming down to someone quite unrecognisable as him. He was a sturdy man, recruiting his grandchildren for hari raya mass labour work. But now he looked so skinny, having chills and rigors, shaking on his bed. As everything is of constitutional symptoms and diarrhoea, i'm hoping it's just gastroentritis. We went to the hospital, and the doctor commented nothing on the pandemic disease. 'Phewh', but not quite. He is still having fever. He once said, "lepah cucu bongsu ni, takdok doh la.." Maksu is bearing her first child, barely in the first month of gestation. Saya harap mulut Tok Ayah tak masin.

[caption id="attachment_268" align="aligncenter" width="479" caption="Tok Ayah on pagi raya. He claimed to be at his best of health that morning, since Ramadhan. Until he fell sick (again) that evening and brought to Hospital Pasir Mas A&E by midnight."]beloveds[/caption]

As for everything else, raya is fine. Much hilarity with people all around me in the mood for celebration. I love it when people have so much positive energy around me. I think it somehow can topup mine a little since i am lack of it nowadays.


I hate it when it come down to this. But as i am typing alone in my room, and the negativity is so overwhelmingly underwhelming, i am easily drifted away from any presence of happiness, and start to think of myself as the 21 year old walking with the worst of fate on earth - which of course, not. God has given me so much for me to be grateful for. Again, it's just my melancholy.

And to have this 'syndrome', and be in a relationship, is fatal. I tend to drag down lingering energy that i feel nearest to me. Poor him. I am grateful that my BFFs understand this concept completely, and survive it with me and standing still whenever the emotional chaos come into scene and me struggle in trying to figure it out. Kadang-kadang rasa macam doa tak sampai. And looking back into my life, it's not hard to figure out why. (-.-")

I once liked to think of myself as:

Wan Iliana = positive and honest.

But now, i don't think i does seem so anymore. Nak positif susah. Nak jujur, lagi susah, sebab sepatutnya yang negatif tak patut dibawa keluar. Have to find a new recipe for life to perk it up.

There's a line in medicine, which is very useful for a diagnosis. "Until proven otherwise." I am trying to get hold of this phrase. Because everytime i sense sadness in me, my mind worked its the way to previous let-downs and past crushed hopes, rubbing salts to the chronic wounds. And in life, if you search for someone's faults to prove someone's wrong, of course she will be, and that applies to you too. So i'll try to prove otherwise. Whenever i think I am unhappy, any evidence on that, miss? Can you fix it? Kalau nak ber-melankoli saja memanjang, abeh le. Manja ah kamu. Aren't you one happy girl once? So, until i am proven otherwise.

p/s: Back in matriculation day, Didi Aiman gave me a book as a birthday present. A book on "How to be Happy". I thought, okay, lame, but read it anyway. ;P Thinking of it now, made me grin. I wonder what was he thinking at that time? Did he sense something in me that made him trying to prepare for near future, in case my emotional chaos take place?

Haha who am i trying to kid. Of course he just bought it because he knows i like to read. That's all.

p/s/s: Dear anyone, sorry, kalau saya dah buat kamu susah hati.

perk it up.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

.for the love of wood and whites.

Assalamualaikum and good day.

Have just done sahur. And, in the mood of posting still.

I was exploring my home PC's 'My Pictures' today, and found myself some pictures i saved that bespeak of what i would love for my room/house (so tells you that my house is not like it. :P)

I am always fond of white furnitures, for i don't like my room to be seen in any specific hue. I need neutral light because only then i can splash rainbowy details in it without thinking much of what would match. Colourful pillows, colourful wall deco, colourful rags, and plan to have rainbow library with the ceiling high white shelves. I just love colours.

And also,

i’ve always loved.

tall windows,

for bright sunlight,


mini herb garden,


a bookworm spot. with floral details. (as i say that, i mean real flowers, like a mini garden. well it can be a wide acre well-groomed one too)


white bedroom

[caption id="attachment_244" align="aligncenter" width="480" caption="This might be my current workspace. Have ordered a white study table a month ago. Can't wait! :D"]workspace[/caption]

[caption id="attachment_245" align="aligncenter" width="480" caption="If i have this in my room, it'll be piled up with books, mags, and clothes in no time. talk about my untidiness. (-.-)""]end of bed[/caption]


[caption id="attachment_246" align="aligncenter" width="480" caption="White closet. Likey likey~"]closet[/caption]

[caption id="attachment_248" align="aligncenter" width="400" caption="This is lovely. However i don't quite agree with the stripes. I prefer polka dots! :) but in this, just plain pattern of any colour will do. "]country_living_via_MA_Belle[/caption]


.don't worry, i don't understand this myself.

A writer. A poet? Perhaps an artist. Free soul yet abide contently to THE rules. Singing to me, to hold me away from my constant worries. Of the demanding life of, ironically, a wall flower. To knock me on the cranium with a mutual wish of a chance of spilling the filling all over. Ready, to crouch with me and dwell in my melancholy, sprightly waltz with me when sense my chortling sentiment. To never let me let myself be pushed for the bit of rationality i have always sensed in the present logic. Not ridiculed, perhaps just chaffed, in whatever form i am or bespeak of. They say with sacrifices, you treasure it more. I say with blithe, i add up to the hoard. As i am easily fatigued of the cliches.

Yet again, life is no movies.

The vacant future, must be fulfilled. Must be de-void of what benefit all significant presence(s). There's always. That can crack a smile in me, although before long, or even right before, i know, or i thought i know, all too well, that it didn't in the one who claimed so, causing me to not hold the flexing zygomaticus much longer . Which sometimes, leave me all too plain.

So again, what do you want?

I shut up.

I don't talk anymore, remember?
credit to Shiori from weheartit

And now i already can't, just like i always have been.

I am not sorry.

Monday, September 14, 2009

.put my mind in the game.

I feel like doodling with the small colourful sticks. But assignments not done yet.



Oil pastels.

Get down to your definite gameplan, young laydayy. Then play.

*focus iliana focus*

Thursday, September 10, 2009

.they make silent sound in my head.

Assalamualaikum and good day. :)

I realized that my 2 previous posts are on the same day, yet with 2 contradicting emotion. One second i'm all melancholic, and the next i'm all jovial. So the confession;

Yes. I am, a nutcase in disguise (or is it obvious?).

And right now there're these internal monologues playing back to back in me, which i believe are eclectic throughout my contemporary life so far.

  1. I am going to be a real doctor. With good clinical practice and adequate knowledge. (betul-betul ni, saya nak)

  2. I am now far from what i once was, but not yet what i am going to be. So i gotta push it.

  3. Me (A): I can't. Me (B) : Turn around and say, "watch me". (haha okay that sounds like multi-personality disorder.)

  4. I am going to make it through all these if it kills me.

  5. I am going to middle east, and have precious bit of the time of my M.D. life there, if it cost me a butt to get M16 bullet shot at.

  6. I am going to have my little heaven-on-earth of wood and whites with little herbs garden, coming out of my own savings. (saya nak, saya nak sangat)

  7. I want to study.


Monday, September 7, 2009

Happy Buffday QoodixX

Assalamualaikum and good day. :)

I'm not at tarawih today, jadi mengepos di sini. hehe

It's September 6th,

and for all i know, it's one significant date.

The special day in September on which a special friend is born.


To Suad Nabila Sharfuddin ;D

Thanx for being a dear throughout the years. Sorry deh aku balik awal hari tu, next time I merempat lagi di situ, I duk saploh hari okkayy. (sampai kaw rasa nak halau keluar. hehe)

Happy birthday and the sweetest September,

21 candles finally are here,
I must admit, I waited all year.
So many obstacles, around tried to steer,
Passion for greatness, truly sincere!
In my life, you know you are, a valued member. ;D

.wide open space.

I see u adrift

I fell in silence

For I don’t talk

Not anymore

I wish for you

To sit beside me

To lie beside me

To crouch beside me

In the wide open space

And just see through me.

For I don’t talk

Not anymore.

Do you sense the woebegone little girl?

What does she have to tell?

Listen,through my eyes.

Look hard into my voice.

Is that bliss glittering,

Or is it grief, deepening.

I wait for, full of thoughts provoking

Not the sincere and gentle talking

With languor whispers and utters.

I awaits a friend of sacred rights,

0r claimed the lover, of heaven’s heights.

As I feel the solicitude

Has loosen its grip on me

Yet I don’t know

What right has I

To where do I stand

To deserve the heedfulness

To what extent could I have you to agree

So I don’t talk.

Not anymore.

I spilled

I blabbed

I just don’t talk.

Not anymore.

Won’t you want to make me?

*a few lines that are juggled from 1 of william blake (i think) i read somewhere somewhen*