Thursday, December 31, 2009

.i am the master of my fate.

Sure, there are qada n qadar. But God must have given you cognitive function for a reason, doesn't He? Work for it, sunshine. Don't ever give up. Miracle happens to the lucky ones. And only the ones who put effort are lucky.

.Invictus.

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll.
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

William Ernest Henley

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

.u wanna talk?.

Go on. But bear in mind, it's not without 'complication'.

Problem with talking too much:

#1 asking for too much attention.

#2 blaming & never forgiving.

#3 revealing own weakness without even realizing.

#4 misdirected anger and frustration leading to confusion and self-insecurity.

#5 u'll loose insight to what's right and wrong .

In conclusion, speak when needed, read before asking and ask to the right person at the right time unless to show how cheap, easy and immature you are.

This is just a personal documentation of a piece of thought i get from Wira. No relation to whoever howsoever. Don't find youself dwelling in this emo-seeming excerpt. Move on baby.

Thursday, December 17, 2009

.Alaaaaaaaaa.

Assalamualaikum and good day!

Rupanya macam ni,

I got to know that the sunathon is not for everyone who registered. Well yeah, if you come to think about it, it make sense. If 500 students registered, there isn’t like there ARE 500 circumcision needed to be done. So, there is selection. Only a few lucky ones get to be involved. They were all informed by text messages. And me got no text. *sigh* After all the excitement, hadoihla…. But I think there’d be no harm to join along the sunathon as a mere observer..kot?

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

.wordless uttered to this love and honor.

Nikmatnya apabila doa dikabulkan. Betapa gembira. Air mata pun tiada makna dalam saat bahagia seperti ini. You are heard! Dalam berjutajutajuta hamba-Mu, aku antara yang terpilih jua. Tiada kata yang setimpal untuk menandakan kesyukuran ini. Thank You. Thank You. Thank You. *senyum*

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

.Sunathon 2009.

Assalamualaikum and good day!

Becoming a surgeon this 18th. Hopefully. Hehe..it'll be just a minor surgery. Berkhatan aje.

Coincidentally got an article on berkhatan on today's Berita Harian. However not much relevance to the upcoming experience i suppose. Here's a little excerpt from the article:

Apa pandangan anda mengenai budaya dan teknik berkhatan moden?

Jelas sekali kita menempuh fasa baru dalam proses berkhatan. Pada Sunathon 2009, kita mencuba kaedah baru yang antara lain menggantikan proses menjahit dengan gam khas pada kulit.

Bukan saja kaedah ini lebih kemas dan mudah, hampir tiada darah terhasil sekali gus menjadikan proses ini lebih selamat.

Bagaimana agaknya anda berdepan dengan kerenah kanak-kanak sebelum proses berkhatan?

Macam-macam boleh berlaku sebelum proses berkhatan bermula. Bagi saya, sudah lumrah semua kanak-kanak berasa cemas untuk disunatkan. Apatah lagi, mendengar pelbagai cerita yang disampaikan membuatkan mereka berasa takut apabila tiba waktu untuk disunatkan.

Namun, ini semua bergantung kepada diri mereka sendiri untuk menguasai perasaan takut hingga selesai proses berkhatan.

Boleh anda kongsi serba sedikit pengalaman anda menyempurnakan proses berkhatan?

Memang banyak kisah membabitkan kanak-kanak yang hendak bersunat ini. Tidak kira usia kecil atau besar, masing-masing ada ragam sendiri.

Tidaklah bermakna, usia 11 atau 12 tahun menjadikan kanak-kanak berani. Ini kerana ada si kecil yang berusia tujuh tahun tidak berasa takut disunatkan. Selain meronta-ronta, ada juga yang bersembunyi di bawah katil kerana tidak mahu dikhatankan.

Apa sebenarnya punca kanak-kanak cukup takut bersunat?

Selain mendengar cerita rakan-rakan yang bersunat, perasaan takut timbul sebaik mereka mendengar kanak-kanak lain menangis terutama selepas proses berkhatan.

Ini secara tidak langsung mengganggu psikologi kanak-kanak. Disebabkan itulah, sebolehnya kita tidak mahu kanak-kanak menangis terutama apabila acara berkhatan beramai-ramai diadakan.

For more read here.

Sunday, December 13, 2009

.highschool stories.

When he look at you, and you look back,

"eh perasannya budak ni..mesti ingat aku tgh tengok dia."

When you say "hi." out of pure friend-making intention,

"poyo nye, layan je ah..."

When you stammer in front, due to pressure of being watched (and maybe afraid to being judged in front of so many people), if you ONCE looked at him,

"heheh..asal aku ada je dia cmni. cuak ngan aku arr tu" then put on a coy smile to his friends.

and even,

When you meet old buddies, (whom you thought time never flies when you meet again) and excitedly greeting them like, "hi! eyh, how are you?"

and they'd (or HE'D) be like,

"ahahaha asal minah ni overexcited ngat neh." *giggle2 with other male homosapiens*.

Among the situations / monologues you, in innocence, might've never thought to occur in reality if you didn't hear it yourself from your knew-too-well guy peeps. (or at least I didn't think so).

But the last one happened to me though. Seriously Zaki, kuajaq hang.

Poor us girls...if we cared about it. lol. :P Oh well..just a nostalgia of some secondary school issues.

and by the weh,

I have We have formed a new studygroup! - since i seem to have some difficulties in keeping up with the schedule of the previous studygroup, plus some mind-boggling personal issues (there's always that). Muahaha

Our studygroup now consist of:


Und ME! :)


After a few sessions with the newly-formed one, i am so far satisfied with the discussion sessions and hope can go far with these peeps. But hell, still got A LOT to cover for the upcoming exams! weep weeeeeepp~

But we still have one month right? ONE month...just ONE, month... And professional exam is in TWO months..TWO (2) months..and SUKAD (inter-campus tournament) is in the end of January..THIS COMING January...

No pressure.

So while i'm still figuring out Myasthaenia Gravis, i might gonna have butt kicked by the tennis coach and seniors.

Adoiii. :P

Thursday, November 26, 2009

i want i want!

Assalamualaikum & good day!

Cekgu Farah pernah kata, blogs can help you polish up your English. Jadi memandangkan ada hasrat untuk polish English saya yang makin ke longkang pada ketika itu, saya pun menulislah dgn bahasa Inggeris. Tapi macam ada restriction sikit kalau menulis dalam bahasa orang England pabila bukan native speaker. Jadi pernah fikir nak buat lagi satu blog dalam bahasa Melayu, tapi difikir2 balik;

1) macamlah tadak entry rojak dalam Royal Ramble sebelum ni.

2) macamlah byk masa nak mengupdate more than one blog acct. Yang satu ni pun cepat berhabuk.

jadi mari kita berbahasa ibunda! (err...rojak actually) ;P

Saya sebenarnya tgh survey kasut tennis untuk menggantikan kasut lama. (sedih main kasut pinjam aje...) Jadi sekarang mahu beli :

Adidas Barricade 5

or

Reebok Volo DMX

But then these two seems a bit out of reach. So if (financially) i can get any closer to a Reebok, it might be this:

Reebok DMX (mega/not)

Saya akan bersyukur..

I was thinking to set out for them tomorrow jugak wif Mr.Didi Aiman, but then he's coming here to pick me up so we might not shop around anywhere in KL or Selangor where there'll be more choices (coz it'll seem ridiculous for your guy to drive all the way to pick you up just to bring you shop for shoes in his town which is a two hours drive BACK and then drive back to send you home). So..i'll go look for them on Saturday instead.

Don't have plans yet for tomorrow but whatever! He'll be HERE WITH ME~~ and we'll take our own sweeeeet time together. Where and what i just won't care~~ i think. ;P

Okies better off to sleep now. Takmo jadi macam hari tu..Didi da sampai depan pintu da baru nak bersiap. Need outfit pairings lagi ni..aiyak.. Nitey nite.

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

.one time.

Cute. I thought it was a girl singing, despite the lyrics. Turn out to be the 15 year old Justin! With the wordings, i think he's utterly cute. :)

Plus i'm in a really good mood today. So every songs that come into my ear has really tune up in me. Be it classical to RnB.

Have got nothing to say actually. Just that i am in love. :)







and by the way,

I can reach my dream too.





Sunday, November 22, 2009

where is my rainbow?

When you cry and cry and cry

And the sky cries with you

You'll miss your sunshine

And the two days went by

With you just crying harder.



Iliana. 1800.

Saturday, November 21, 2009

.stupidity beyond any reversed brilliance.

Tidakkah dia tahu betapa sakitnya aku?

Buat aku rasa tak percaya pada diri sendiri,

Janjinya yang dah dimungkiri.

Aku dah tak dapat cari apa yang mungkin.

Yang lain, sudah tak dapat diterima logik akalku.

Sekarang ada dua kemungkinan. Salah satunya - aku yang bodoh.



Salah aku yang kecil ini.

Bila secara automatik sembunyi dalam topeng asli.

Aku fikir, aku memang pandai 'berkonfabulasi'.

Bila terlalu sakit untuk realiti.

Komputer pun tertipu.

Siapa berani kata yang sekarang, aku gembira?





.IKLANEKA.

Tuan-tuan & puan-puan,

Kalau anda boleh;

1. Jadi patung sementara

2. Bawa roh jauh2 dari jasad untuk sementara

3. Potong keluar hippocampus dan amygdala anda buat sementara

4. Autopilot diri anda untuk 2 bulan dalam setiap tahun

5. Liquid-nitrogenkan jantung anda buat sementara

6. Hidupkan semuanya kembali kepada keadaan normal dan tempat asal selepas
2 bulan (mungkin lebih, dan kemungkinan itu 99.8%)

Tolong daftar dengan saya.

Anda mungkin calon yang tepat untuk satu peranan.

Iliana. 0500

It's post-war. It's suppose to be different.

It was time of the year again.

The boy has the dream.

His treasure was at the base of the pyramid.



The boy shall go in pursuit of his dreams.

And the girl shall wait.



She is the woman of the desert.

The women of the desert shall always wait for their men.

The strong women of the desert.

Their men are to wander as free as the winds that shape the dunes.



The dunes are altered by the wind, but the desert never change.

But sometimes, desert takes the men away, they don’t always return.



So the girl may cry.

She is the woman of the desert.

But above all, she is a woman.

Her treasure is him.



Iliana. 0020.

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Accusation = Harm?

This evening was the video presentation session of psychosis in our class. Dr. Wee has shown us two videos on schizophrenic patient and we were to analyse the presentation / manifestation of psychotic problem in the patient during their one-on-one interview with the doctor.

I have to admit (sadly & with guilt) that i wasn't at all serious with the session at first. What i observed was just how scary-looking the female patient was, with the long banshee-like hair and a voice that.....well, it gives me goosebumps. Then the doctor asked us what were the findings of the patient, and i snapped back into class and tried to pay more attention. The second patient was a man, claiming that his mummy accused him of stealing money, lotsa lotsa money. I was trying to give term to the findings, that i realised i have problem in analysing psychotic patient. I don't know his affect. I reckoned it was blunt, but then what if he was just a bored patient who was bored being interviewed over and over? Coz he has the proper body language of being bored, flexing his neck backward, slowly battling eyelashes and all. Can we state affect by body language or it has to be just the face? In his statement, he said that his mummy accused him of stealing money. Okay, maybe true, maybe delusion, has to confirm. If it's a delusion, what category of delusion is that persecutory, guilt-or-sin? I tried to ask Dr. Wee, but maybe the way i delivered my question made it turned out a bit not quite. He asked me back my opinion, so i went, "err..persecutory delusion?" And he said that he'd agree. So i was like..hmm..okay.. I thought that persecutory delusion was just limited to physical harm like, poisoning, killing, beating. So (rupa-rupanya) it's just the issue of my poor vocabulary. ;P

Persecutory delusions: These are the most common type of delusions and involve the theme of being followed, harassed, cheated, poisoned or drugged, conspired against, spied on, attacked, or obstructed in the pursuit of goals. Sometimes the delusion is isolated and fragmented (such as the false belief that co-workers are harassing), but sometimes are well-organized belief systems involving a complex set of delusions ("systematized delusions"). A person with a set of persecutory delusions may be believe, for example, that he or she is being followed by government organizations because the "persecuted" person has been falsely identified as a spy. These systems of beliefs can be so broad and complex that they can explain everything that happens to the person.

Read more: http://www.minddisorders.com/Br-Del/Delusions.html#ixzz0XCZRezVd

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

.jolly mownin, with gwen stefanie's on!.

Assalamualaikum and good day! :D

This should be posted yesterday, but since the internet connection was a bit off, i decided to go to bed early nstead.

Remember i said that it'll be a good day yesterday? As i reckoned, it went well. :) Actually just common routine were done, but somehow the emotion that i went through the whole day with was a bit exceptional (amygdala yang sihat?). The second day in psychiatry block made a bit more sense to me now. The lectures were rather apprehensible than the 1st day. Maybe it was the prejudice that i had in mind even before the week started made my first day of psychi boring and my lecture hours filled with deep sleep. (-.-") Yet during the 'illusional' lectures, i realised that i have the wrong interpretation of the term 'paranoid'. I have always been using it to describe my inferiority or diffidence, while in psychiatry, it actually means a phenomena in which somebody has a pervasive pattern of distrust or suspicion of others, e.g. someone wants to harm you. Haha okay, now that i knew better, i'll use it appropriately.

In the evening, thank you Allah S.W.T for a beautiful weather yesterday, our intensive training for Sukad has eventually started. But no game yet, it's back to the basic training first. We were trained like a 5 year-old, catching balls with our bare hands while the coach made us run across the court. The main focus was the footwork. To be able to give a nice stroke, one must know the appropriate distance to stop and form a proper stance. This is a very useful practice for me as i'm prone to lose balance when striking the ball. So most of the time i looked like playing aggressively while i was actually just trying to make the ball touch the racquet while being a foot away from the proper distance. And it makes me lose my breath faster. Once i excel in footwork, it'll help me to strike the ball right at the contact point, thus the ball will always go where the belly button points when i make impact. And the training comes with 3 rounds of sidesteps around two courts, too. (-.-") Oh well. Hope today will be as 'scorching' as yesterday, so our training can resume.

At night, Ady, Yana, Mira, Aina and me went to Celana Villa, for a fine dining. Introduced by Mira, so she say where her boyfriend always bring her to, it was in a quite remote area in Pulau Melaka. The food was okay, but the 'ayam lemon' is a bit off. It taste like chicken dippped in sunquick. eekkk!! But overall i was satisfied with the newy-discovered dining spot. ;D

Haha okay i'm late for clinical case presentation. Toodle loo!!

Monday, November 16, 2009

.sunshine and rainbow.

"Early to bed and early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy and wise."


Benjamin Franklin



I was early to bed last night and manage to wake up early today.


It seems like a good day, don't you think? :D

Sunday, November 15, 2009

.just around the corner.

SPM is! I have just remembered it just now and made a 5-minutes card for Abang Chik.

IMG_2825


Haha i know, i know, it's pathetic. But hey, it's a less-than-5-minutes work. Wha'd you expect? ;P And besides, if i have an elder sister, i think i'd be glad to receive even a pathetic-looking soft card from her for my exam motivation.


IMG_2829


IMG_2826


IMG_2828


IMG_2827


To those who's sitting for SPM,  i wish you all the best. And to those whose brothers or sisters are, let's pray for their success. And for those who are in no bussiness of this year's SPM league, please, out of pure charity, pray for my brother's tranquility in answering and may he get good results.



p/s: just send them the wishes. even if it's in the ugliest form of creativity you have forged. ;)

Saturday, November 14, 2009

.urim and thummim.

Good day! :)

Ok. Popular bookstore is now officially a forbidden place for me.

I can't set a foot in there without getting hooked by at least 2 titles! And considering the current balance in my acct, i'm relatively paying through the nose for them!

I have just shelved another 3 Paulo Coelho's (uuu..the dark green nots..uhuk uhuk..) with 1 still unread (have just started by 2 pages) Yet, i had a very hard time setting my feet OUT of the store, drooling over "South Africa, The Wild Paradise" by Franck Fouquet. And to those who are still wondering my next birthday prezzie, surprise me with "Travelers' Atlas" by Dorsling Kindersley (publisher)! I'll love you infinitely!! :D

Okay..so how has the week been. Let see..CFCS done...(oh no! the neverending data & community programme reports!), books read (fictions people, fictions,) flu recovered, and watched lotsa Hindi films! Haha what has got into me? Hollywood to Bollywood?? Blame Powell Roy and Renuka for this! ;P I was housemate with Renuka and Atiq during CFCS and happen to transfer loads of Hindi movies from Renuka. The aftermath - fallen for Shah Rukh Khan again, haha, since the ancient "Kuch Kuch Hota Hai". I was hooked for no romance reason okayy..there were actually a lot that i can learn by bollywood movies, so i realised. In "ChakDe! India", i discovered that someone looking like Seh Kee (my coursemate) may have been an Indian! By nationality/origin & may speak by the language of Hindi!! These Indians might easily be mistaken for other nationality and treated as aliens in their own country, should they ever go to the Western India or other part than the Northeastern India. North-East India is ethnically, linguistically and culturally very distinct from the other states of India. And according to Wikipedia, this region is officially recognized as a special category of states. Its states consist of Arunachal Pradesh, Assam, Meghalaya, Manipur, Mizoram, Nagaland, Sikkim and Tripura. They speak by the mothertongue of Assamese, Bengali, Bodo (yes, it's a language) and Manipur. So as i googled and google-mapped, it was just, wow. What a beautiful, diversed world we live in.

In "Om Shanti Om!", i noticed a line that is exactly what i read in Coelho's "The Alchemist". As Shah Rukh Khan say, "when you really want something, the world will help you to come to that.", Coelho has also wrote in his #1 bestseller, similarly, "And, when you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it." and i thought, the scriptwriter must've read Coelho.

Haha so i think i'll keep feeding my Bollywood crave by getting good ones from Renuka. ;P

And oh, my double-become-triple room now is double room again. Ira has got a room for herself, after she had been working hard for it the past 5 months. The funny thing is, for the previous months, whenever she go to HEP's Kak Syikin or Murni's Mr.Ismadi, the answers she'll get are just, "there's no more room", "we have nothing to offer." Once she went to Mr. Ismadi with her uncle, who happens to be a friend of HEP big boss Mr.Hafiz, Mr.Ismadi straight away gave her a list of 5-6 rooms with unoccupied beds. What the fish! So the offices are in a conspiracy to always make things hard for students or what? Unbelievable. For 5 friggin months! Despite her effort she got nothing, and suddenly that.

I can't deny the relief of having less people in the room , though. :P

And btw, i was approached by Abg Mie for this year's Sukad Female Tennis captain.

I.

Do.


NOT.

Want.

This.

Arggghh!!! But i don't know to whom shall i shove entrust the post to. It'll be irresponsible for me to just say no without suggesting a replacement. In this year's team, there are two 5th year (exam), two 3rd year (exam), and a 2nd year (freshie in the team, never been to Sukad, can't let her handle).

So u see, Arggghh!!! Darn it.

I don' t know. Now i just try not to think about it. I just go to the court and play.

Urim and Thummim. Be it white, or black? Black. Please.





p/s: i am just referring to the fiction's urim thummim by the way. nothing israelite biblical shall i do. i'll stick to solat istikarah, thanks. :)

Monday, November 2, 2009

.crush alert.

Err..think i got just a tiny little..(okay, HUGE) crush on Mr. Sani Sayuthi (the next John Tharakan??) Master of Surgery (Neurosurgery) YuEshEm.

He.

Is.

a.

Neurosurgeon.

NEUROSURGEON!!!

(L.O.C. for 0.2 second)

Oh why oh why is it his last class...?









p/s: hehe sorry babyy, of course u know better. ;P

Sunday, November 1, 2009

.Hush hush, I'm here.

There are times, when necessity overcome pride. And that is also when, i must come to understand thoroughly the soul of friendship, and assist in maintaining both.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

.and why do i have to learn french?

because i have to start with the end in mind. (thus the initial dot in every title 'stead of just at the end) And since the journey to the end has something to do with it, i think i should. Once i'm done with Japanese. and Arabic. and every other thing that occupies me still.

okay, that, and,

i don't know why do i find myself hard to apply things that i learnt. If that's still not obvious in my studies, (barf) try life. i knew long before, that if i dont take myself seriously, no one would.. well, except the ones that are biologically programmed to do so, a.k.a mama and baba and maybe a few significant others that gripped the meaning of loyalty by heart.

and yet, i relied. on what, who, it doesn't matter. but i did that, and it brought me to being too patient with myself, and can't seem to gain. i suppose didn't take myself seriously as someone who can. the path has to be paved before me. thus i seems to forgot to clear the bushes on my own. in time, i eventually found myself to be some sorta just a filler (altough it is a self-thought and maybe just paranoia). and that is unacceptable in my dictionary of contemporary life language. So, in mind of wanting to be a hey-let's-take-her-and-polish 'stead of an owh-okay-just-take-her, i am to get up and beat it.

Putting on a mask of bravely-ready-to-undertake-em-all.

Tunggu..(dlm nada pengacara Melodi tv3) hehe.

super

Sunday, September 27, 2009

...

It wasn't gastroentritis. Damn me for missing such sign & symptom. It may be his last days, and i'm gonna be by his side.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

.she had laughed, too.

Watching the kids play, and quarrel and sulk, i wrote this, at my kampung. Just a bit of the older kids version.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Liolle sat on a high wall alone.

Riobbe and Melleu were laughing at him.

There was a ‘kick me’ note on his back.

 

Riobbe was sad.

Melleu and Boog were laughing at him.

They have a ‘kick me’ note on his back.

 

Melleu was sad.

Liolle and Boog were laughing at him.

They pasted a ‘kick me’ note on his back.

 

Kaloona was sad.

Boog and Danda were chuckling behind her.

They wouldn’t tell why.

They have a ‘kick me’ note on her back.

 

Toonte was left alone.

He has no friends for now.

They were still giggling behind him.

They wouldn’t tell why.

They have a ‘kick me’ note behind him.

 

Toonte and Kaloona pasted a ‘kick me’ note behind Quwg some time ago. They had laughed, too.

 

Norah watched them all in silence. Cracked a ‘whatever’ grin for the stereotypic events.

Ipod in her ears, she couldn’t hear, that Jealaine, Hamuqa and Feswa are giggling behind her too. She just couldn’t be bothered though, for she knows, when someone ACTUALLY kicked her, she’ll have her muay-thai ready.

Anytime.

cartoonstock

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

.until proven otherwise.

Assalamualaikum and good day.



It's the 3 rd day of RAYA people! Have you visit your family & friends' houses yet? And more importantly, have you asked for enough forgiveness this year? I haven't. Wuwu~ (-.-")

So far my raya has been okay. Although Tok Ayah has been a little sick lately. He's slimming down to someone quite unrecognisable as him. He was a sturdy man, recruiting his grandchildren for hari raya mass labour work. But now he looked so skinny, having chills and rigors, shaking on his bed. As everything is of constitutional symptoms and diarrhoea, i'm hoping it's just gastroentritis. We went to the hospital, and the doctor commented nothing on the pandemic disease. 'Phewh', but not quite. He is still having fever. He once said, "lepah cucu bongsu ni, takdok doh la.." Maksu is bearing her first child, barely in the first month of gestation. Saya harap mulut Tok Ayah tak masin.

[caption id="attachment_268" align="aligncenter" width="479" caption="Tok Ayah on pagi raya. He claimed to be at his best of health that morning, since Ramadhan. Until he fell sick (again) that evening and brought to Hospital Pasir Mas A&E by midnight."]beloveds[/caption]

As for everything else, raya is fine. Much hilarity with people all around me in the mood for celebration. I love it when people have so much positive energy around me. I think it somehow can topup mine a little since i am lack of it nowadays.

And,

I hate it when it come down to this. But as i am typing alone in my room, and the negativity is so overwhelmingly underwhelming, i am easily drifted away from any presence of happiness, and start to think of myself as the 21 year old walking with the worst of fate on earth - which of course, not. God has given me so much for me to be grateful for. Again, it's just my melancholy.

And to have this 'syndrome', and be in a relationship, is fatal. I tend to drag down lingering energy that i feel nearest to me. Poor him. I am grateful that my BFFs understand this concept completely, and survive it with me and standing still whenever the emotional chaos come into scene and me struggle in trying to figure it out. Kadang-kadang rasa macam doa tak sampai. And looking back into my life, it's not hard to figure out why. (-.-")

weheartit.com



I once liked to think of myself as:

Wan Iliana = positive and honest.

But now, i don't think i does seem so anymore. Nak positif susah. Nak jujur, lagi susah, sebab sepatutnya yang negatif tak patut dibawa keluar. Have to find a new recipe for life to perk it up.

There's a line in medicine, which is very useful for a diagnosis. "Until proven otherwise." I am trying to get hold of this phrase. Because everytime i sense sadness in me, my mind worked its the way to previous let-downs and past crushed hopes, rubbing salts to the chronic wounds. And in life, if you search for someone's faults to prove someone's wrong, of course she will be, and that applies to you too. So i'll try to prove otherwise. Whenever i think I am unhappy, any evidence on that, miss? Can you fix it? Kalau nak ber-melankoli saja memanjang, abeh le. Manja ah kamu. Aren't you one happy girl once? So, until i am proven otherwise.

p/s: Back in matriculation day, Didi Aiman gave me a book as a birthday present. A book on "How to be Happy". I thought, okay, lame, but read it anyway. ;P Thinking of it now, made me grin. I wonder what was he thinking at that time? Did he sense something in me that made him trying to prepare for near future, in case my emotional chaos take place?

Haha who am i trying to kid. Of course he just bought it because he knows i like to read. That's all.

p/s/s: Dear anyone, sorry, kalau saya dah buat kamu susah hati.

perk it up.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

.for the love of wood and whites.

Assalamualaikum and good day.

Have just done sahur. And, in the mood of posting still.

I was exploring my home PC's 'My Pictures' today, and found myself some pictures i saved that bespeak of what i would love for my room/house (so tells you that my house is not like it. :P)

I am always fond of white furnitures, for i don't like my room to be seen in any specific hue. I need neutral light because only then i can splash rainbowy details in it without thinking much of what would match. Colourful pillows, colourful wall deco, colourful rags, and plan to have rainbow library with the ceiling high white shelves. I just love colours.

And also,

i’ve always loved.


tall windows,


for bright sunlight,


and


mini herb garden,


and


a bookworm spot. with floral details. (as i say that, i mean real flowers, like a mini garden. well it can be a wide acre well-groomed one too)


sweethomestyletumblr


white bedroom




[caption id="attachment_244" align="aligncenter" width="480" caption="This might be my current workspace. Have ordered a white study table a month ago. Can't wait! :D"]workspace[/caption]

[caption id="attachment_245" align="aligncenter" width="480" caption="If i have this in my room, it'll be piled up with books, mags, and clothes in no time. talk about my untidiness. (-.-)""]end of bed[/caption]

bedroom2




[caption id="attachment_246" align="aligncenter" width="480" caption="White closet. Likey likey~"]closet[/caption]

[caption id="attachment_248" align="aligncenter" width="400" caption="This is lovely. However i don't quite agree with the stripes. I prefer polka dots! :) but in this, just plain pattern of any colour will do. "]country_living_via_MA_Belle[/caption]

peace

.don't worry, i don't understand this myself.

A writer. A poet? Perhaps an artist. Free soul yet abide contently to THE rules. Singing to me, to hold me away from my constant worries. Of the demanding life of, ironically, a wall flower. To knock me on the cranium with a mutual wish of a chance of spilling the filling all over. Ready, to crouch with me and dwell in my melancholy, sprightly waltz with me when sense my chortling sentiment. To never let me let myself be pushed for the bit of rationality i have always sensed in the present logic. Not ridiculed, perhaps just chaffed, in whatever form i am or bespeak of. They say with sacrifices, you treasure it more. I say with blithe, i add up to the hoard. As i am easily fatigued of the cliches.

Yet again, life is no movies.

The vacant future, must be fulfilled. Must be de-void of what benefit all significant presence(s). There's always. That can crack a smile in me, although before long, or even right before, i know, or i thought i know, all too well, that it didn't in the one who claimed so, causing me to not hold the flexing zygomaticus much longer . Which sometimes, leave me all too plain.

So again, what do you want?

I shut up.

I don't talk anymore, remember?
credit to Shiori from weheartit

And now i already can't, just like i always have been.

I am not sorry.

Monday, September 14, 2009

.put my mind in the game.

I feel like doodling with the small colourful sticks. But assignments not done yet.

Must.

Resist.

Oil pastels.

Get down to your definite gameplan, young laydayy. Then play.

*focus iliana focus*

Thursday, September 10, 2009

.they make silent sound in my head.

Assalamualaikum and good day. :)

I realized that my 2 previous posts are on the same day, yet with 2 contradicting emotion. One second i'm all melancholic, and the next i'm all jovial. So the confession;

Yes. I am, a nutcase in disguise (or is it obvious?).

And right now there're these internal monologues playing back to back in me, which i believe are eclectic throughout my contemporary life so far.

  1. I am going to be a real doctor. With good clinical practice and adequate knowledge. (betul-betul ni, saya nak)

  2. I am now far from what i once was, but not yet what i am going to be. So i gotta push it.

  3. Me (A): I can't. Me (B) : Turn around and say, "watch me". (haha okay that sounds like multi-personality disorder.)

  4. I am going to make it through all these if it kills me.

  5. I am going to middle east, and have precious bit of the time of my M.D. life there, if it cost me a butt to get M16 bullet shot at.

  6. I am going to have my little heaven-on-earth of wood and whites with little herbs garden, coming out of my own savings. (saya nak, saya nak sangat)

  7. I want to study.


eva

Monday, September 7, 2009

Happy Buffday QoodixX

Assalamualaikum and good day. :)

I'm not at tarawih today, jadi mengepos di sini. hehe



It's September 6th,

and for all i know, it's one significant date.

The special day in September on which a special friend is born.

So..


To Suad Nabila Sharfuddin ;D



Thanx for being a dear throughout the years. Sorry deh aku balik awal hari tu, next time I merempat lagi di situ, I duk saploh hari okkayy. (sampai kaw rasa nak halau keluar. hehe)


Happy birthday and the sweetest September,



21 candles finally are here,
I must admit, I waited all year.
So many obstacles, around tried to steer,
Passion for greatness, truly sincere!
In my life, you know you are, a valued member. ;D

.wide open space.

I see u adrift


I fell in silence


For I don’t talk


Not anymore



I wish for you


To sit beside me


To lie beside me


To crouch beside me


In the wide open space


And just see through me.


For I don’t talk


Not anymore.



Do you sense the woebegone little girl?


What does she have to tell?



Listen,through my eyes.


Look hard into my voice.


Is that bliss glittering,


Or is it grief, deepening.



I wait for, full of thoughts provoking


Not the sincere and gentle talking


With languor whispers and utters.


I awaits a friend of sacred rights,


0r claimed the lover, of heaven’s heights.


As I feel the solicitude


Has loosen its grip on me



Yet I don’t know


What right has I


To where do I stand


To deserve the heedfulness


To what extent could I have you to agree


So I don’t talk.


Not anymore.



I spilled


I blabbed


I just don’t talk.


Not anymore.



Won’t you want to make me?



*a few lines that are juggled from 1 of william blake (i think) i read somewhere somewhen*

Monday, August 31, 2009

.what goes 'round comes 'round.

I take myself, as still learning to know how to take care of my heart. And now that i witnessed something that i predicted some while ago, i believe i achieved some desirable point in that. The first time it happened, i knew it gonna change me for good. I even made a statement to the former subject that that, has leave some sorta 'cicatrix' in me and before it's bygoned as a mere memory, i make sure i thanked properly, for making me learn and move forward. This time it might not be entirely the same, yet as i've learnt and took action, i triumphed (err..that's sorta exaggerated term) ;P.

What goes 'round comes 'round.

wgrcr

And oh, Happy Merdeka Day! There's more to it than just a holiday. :)(But as for me, tennis time tomorrow mownin.) ;P

It’s like,

when you’re excited about a girl, and you see a couple holding hands, and you feel so happy for them. And at other times, you see the same couple, and they make you so mad. And all you always want, is to feel happy for them because you know, that if you do, then it means that you are happy, too.

Stephen Chbosky, The Perks of Being a Wallflower.

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

.it's the climb,baby.

1st week of repro. Baru 1st week, and i'm mashed. Juggling between recent notes, prev semester's, elective-group-funds stuffs, studygroup, and japanese classes..htd stuffs.. no wonder i'm no VIP. If i put myself in any of the hicom's shoes, lagi2 the ones with multiposts, i don't think i can handle it well. *sigh*

*Every step I'm taking,
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction
My faith is shaking but I
Got to keep trying
Got to keep my head held high


Has been a while since i last step into the tennis court. Missing it much. Feel a slight guilt towards Abg. Mie n the seniors generous with their tennis skills before. Not playing means not practicing, means i might have forgot the techniques they have spent time teaching me before. Means it's gonna be quite long while for me to get better at the game, and might put everyones' previous effort to waste. Although it's the real deal, me having japanese classes in the evening, and when we're supposedly free of the class, something else equally important came up, i still feel embarassed explaining it to Sahrul last nite, coz i think i look like giving endless excuses for not turning up to practice. My fault maybe, not organizing well of my time. Apelah~


*There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle,
Sometimes I'm gonna to have to lose,


I miss the debate club too. The late-nite discussions, mind-probing tongue-lashing sessions, debate matches with other uni.. I was supposed to be in a match in Dungun on 25th June, but i've mistaken the date with 25th of July (as on the actual date we're still in our sem-break so i thought..), i was cancelled, or more to 'cancelled myself' from the debating team for the match. Bodo betul. Salah tarikh pulak, dah terlepas.
When they (debate team) were having meeting pulak, i wasn't informed coz i accidentally left my hp at home. Bodo jugak sikit coz asyik lupa barang2 sendiri. Ggaaaa~!!


*I may not know it
But these are the moments that
I'm going to remember most yeah
Just got to keep going
And I,
I got to be strong.


And now it seems like things arent exactly in their place yet.
My mind is sometimes blank, sometimes like this: ->

tangletangle
I sometimes don't know what am i thinking about at times. Airheaded. In the pbl, i explained the mestrual cycle graphs like crap. Tu lah ingat dah hafal, tp tertido pula semasa revision. 14th day=menstruation. What the~ lah.. Budak yang belum SPM pun tau kot..


*The struggles I'm facing,
The chances I'm taking
Sometimes they knock me down but
No I'm not breaking


...&*^&&%%*...
.......(T.T).........

Hey hey wake up! Asyek merungut aje. Miserable people make other people miserable tawu!! All's gonna be for the better! When are you gonna learn that haa?
Don't worry Iliana, you'll be fine. Keep moving forward.

So sing it,
LOUD!!!!

MILEY CYRUS - the CLIMB.
I can almost see it
That dream I'm dreaming but
There's a voice inside my head sayin,
You'll never reach it

Every step I'm taking,
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction
My faith is shaking but I
Got to keep trying
Got to keep my head held high

There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle,
Sometimes I'm gonna to have to lose,

Ain't about how fast I get there,
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb

The struggles I'm facing,
The chances I'm taking
Sometimes they knock me down but
No I'm not breaking

I may not know it
But these are the moments that
I'm going to remember most yeah
Just got to keep going
And I,
I got to be strong.

P6202065

You are soooo not the worst case, budak.

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

.Diamonds in a Cloudy Sky.

Good day. :)

It's 5.21am, and i'm still surfing. Huhu it seems like that's all i have to do this week (since i havent come to sense of the importance to GET DOWN WITH ZA BOOKZ!! yet)

I was thinking of posting on how my day was, but as it can be cleared in one sentence -online, breakfast, needlework-attempts, lunch, dinner, online- (there) , i suppose i might as well share about something else today.

So i wonder,

What else happen on my 21st anniversary? (yeah, still the issue. but hey, aha aha, MY blog. :P)

Since Didi Aiman is so fond of astronomy, i adopted the idea to search in that field. And i found out this:

Diamonds in a Cloudy Sky on 08/08/2009
tse2009_mesonero
Cloudy skies over Wuhan, China hid the delicate solar corona during July's total eclipse of the Sun. Still, the Moon's silhouette was highlighted by these glistening diamonds as the total eclipse phase ended. Caused by bright sunlight streaming through dips and valleys in the irregular terrain along the Moon's edge, the effect is known as Baily's Beads, named after Francis Baily who called attention to the phenomenon in 1836. The dramatic appearance of the beads at the beginning or end of a total solar eclipse is also known as the Diamond Ring effect. In this remarkable image, a small, pinkish solar prominence can also be seen along the edge, below the diamonds.

This is from the APoD
Here they have everyday picture of astronomy going-ons! From The Milky Way, to the Space Station on Moon, inside the Nebula, even the Martian Sunset! They're amazing. This one's definitely going into my IE 'favourite' folder.

Monday, August 10, 2009

.marimari.

Halloo there!
My 2nd post in August. :P

August, the month of lotsa-going-ons. There're majority of peeps buffdays (not-featured in royal ramble coz too many. huhu), convo break, school holidays, independence day and whatnot days, 8th of August being the most (or most not) special - which is the day i became 21!

Haha nothing special, no celebration, i just rest for the whole day since that's the quality time to laze around in the house after its completion (my house's been under renovation for almost 2 years (seems like decades).

At home? Yeah.., i suppose that's not a weird thing anymore for a uni student nowadays, considering the current situation. Yes, the H1N1 flu (pronounced as selsema 'hini' by the Wans family) outbreak.

USM Health Campus had the first positive confirmation on the 6th, thus stopped the students' activity for the week. Our CFCS activities were also cancelled, causing me the (not really) ultimate emotional and mental agression, considering all the group member's hardwork and difficult situation undergone for that particular programme. Last2 tak jadi pulaaaaa..sob2. However, for the sake of the community's well-being, and we don't want to jeopardize any lives including our own, so have to back out jugak lah.

So here i am, enjoying my 3 weeks (1 week for H1N1 + 2 weeks convo break) holidaaaay!

So..lazying around the house, what did i do?
Hehe..apparently, 8th of August isn't only the birthdate of me~ but also chosen to be the birthdate of Cinderella Collection, my mom's first online boutique! Hehe so the laze-around session were actually filled with the boutique construction work. Saket tangan suda..snapping photos and uploading them with the kura-kura like so-called broadband into the online shop. But eventually the boutique came out fine (tersenyum).

Our home-based boutique actually have a wide variety for both gender, yet for starters, we emphasize only female clothings in the online shop. So, ladies, welcome to a new shopping experience!

mari mari! ;)

Thursday, August 6, 2009

.cheap things in free time.

Cheap things I do in my free hours. They’re very costly though, for my future profession well-being.

1. I sleep. A lot.
2. I drink coffee, and stare out the window. Airheaded.
3. I scribble/write/doodle nonsenses.
4. I clean my room, rearrange my stuffs repeatedly in one session. Organidler (organizing, yet idling).
5. I go to a mall, tailor in bookstores, browse through books. (this one not really cheap, I have to pay for tren, topup car’s gas -if it's KB mall- and sometimes end up buying good titles)
6. I say a word out loud, and try to think of the early days of its invention.
7. I read blogs.
8. I google lovely photos/graphics and save them in lappy.
9. I look for random international addresses and send a Hi! postcard, without my address on. (haven’t done this for a long time. last was in matriculation college)
10. I shop for windows, online.
11. I go for a walk.
12. I look around in bazaar, trying to decide my emotion towards beggars and the alternatives they could/should be.
13. I stare at my notes/textbooks.
14. I print something out.

Btw, I don’t count reading newspaper as cheap things to do in free time.

i will do 1 thing today

What do you do in your free time?

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

.picnik.

Hye there!

If you notice, this is posted just a few hours after the 'ladies therapy'. As i collaged photos for the feature, and haven't felt sleepy yet, i thought i might as well do some more collages for the few photos i have in my computer and post them. hehe..

These are among the ones i took when my bffs and i were scouting Raub. Or more to, 'scooting' Raub, finding new clothings kiosks that are now like 'mushrooms after the rain' in town. I was riding with Minn on her white scooter.

scooting Raub

me

IMG_2052

be3

Here are some of which i've taken with Farah when we went for the highschool orchestra performances at Putrajaya Convention Centre, and the ones we took the day after, around Putrajaya.

Farah und me



P6202008

P6202022

P6212200

P6212203

And here is me, as the 'victim' (yet eagerly posing) of Farah's newly-developed passion for photography with the new SLR. ;p

me



P6202136

P6202147

P6202142

P6212169

I don't know why are all the pose for the last collage facing to the right. ;p haha.

By the way, this is not an attempt for a fash blog. My fash is not that great. I put anything on. :p I just felt like posting photos, that's all. :)

.ladies therapy.

Assalamualaikum and good day, all. :)

I've just came back from CFCS (Community and Family Case Studies) meeting 2 hours ago. After some meaningless wondering in the smallish room, i decided to write something in here, as i can't sleep anyway (the aftermath of Nescafe Breakfast).

As i online, there was a note from a friend of mine, Asyikin, or better known to us as Syukay. She has now, an online shop blog!!

As the owner claimed, the Ladies Therapy is purposely created to share one common thing that all gals are crazy about - shopping lah!

She sells variety of things, from clothings, sandals, to original designer bags, at more affordable price! If you crave for the luxurious Coach, but held down by a tight budget, then here's the place for you! There're also beautiful chiffon shawls i know you'd just love to have.

[caption id="attachment_142" align="aligncenter" width="480" caption="these and more @ ladies therapy!!"]these and more @ ladies therapy!![/caption]

So girls, are you ready?



Get set, GO!

Saturday, July 18, 2009

.private.

I reviewed my 1st blog today. I contemplated on the actual initial impetus of me starting a blog (no, the tennis match was just the starter, not the real initial drive).

And I remembered.

 

Years ago, when I was still writing in, (a diary), I’ve always thought, how nice if somebody can give feedbacks on how my life’s going on, advices, maybe, without actually having me to bable ‘em off directly to them first, which may cause them to feel responsible of saying nice things, (which is what good peeps always do, thank u dears). After a while, since I was first introduced to journal writing by my English tutor, Sir Hashim in form 2,  writing in without anything to happen but the stories of my life be in pages, had seemed rather boring to me. I wanted feedbacks, as I thought they might help me to improve.

I was thinking, how nice if, there are people from somewhere far (might not just mean geographically), who’s leading a different kind of life, in a different kind of environment, to give comments on my ‘diary’.  Opinions, from people who are total strangers to me, who don’t know me at all, so that their comments on me, would be purely by the events that happen, not by the me that they know.  And also, as cowardice as it may sound, I think writing anonymously is better for me to express, nor to impress.

 

Then I found out about blog. After reading a few overseas bloggers’ pages, it occurred to me that this is it! An online diary! But I was still reluctant. The stories that I have read seemed so purposeful, such like, they ought to be told, as they may inspire others or give effect on others’ life. And I was thinking, I don’t deserve to write in here. There’s nothing to be gained by my story.

 

Then I read a local writer’s blog. As I read her entries, I thought that, I can relate to her narrations, and yet they seemed purposeful, and no nonsense babblings. So I think, maybe I can just write whatever in here, for it may seemed purposeful for others, if not to myself. So I wrote. After a while, as peeps around me discovered the blog, i began rambling about things that I think I don’t even want to pour in a diary of mine. Or so to say, I don’t express anymore, coz it seems rather ‘unprivate’.

 

I admit that in my ‘free’ time I wrote my random ramblings, and reading them, I considered that some are just not to put in blogs –which I think as an online diary before – so they went either discarded or saved in the lappy. So my blog now kind of beats its purpose, kan? Oh well.

Friday, June 12, 2009

Happy Buffday Ira!

12th June 1988 was the day my twin, Ira, was born. That's 57 days before I was born. :P


Wish you only the best of life these 365 days to come, miamor!


siti nadirah



Now at the age of twenty-one,
Life has truly just begun.
Hope and wish, your dreams come true,
Along the way, a gorgeous view
.

eppy buffday! (^-^)

.look me in the eye.

I was blog hopping my fellas' blogs when i stumbled upon a sweet hadith in a friend-of-a-friend's page, ms. aimi. It quotes:

"Sesungguhnya apabila suami menatap isterinya dan isterinya membalas pandang dengan cinta kasih, maka Allah menatap mereka dengan pandangan kasih sayang dan jika suami membelai tangan isterinya, maka dosa mereka jatuh berguguran di sela-sela jari mereka."


-Diriwayatkan oleh Maisarah dari Said Al-Khudri



Seems that there's more to love than mere affection of two hearts, eyh?

Psst: I hope I can have this printed on my wedding cards (^-^).

Monday, June 8, 2009

.keep on cookin.

Yeap. Literally.

"There is nothing that you succeed in that you didn't work on everyday."

-Will Smith.

So, keep on cooking Iliana! Till you get the asam pedas right. ;P

Sunday, June 7, 2009

.screwed gum.

As i reviewed my previous posts, i realized i havent elaborated about certain things i promised. Like..the screw in my gum. Haha that still sounds gross. ;P

Hehe like ms.Zahirah Ardy had guessed, it IS the implant! ding ding ding!! *jackpot!* :D

Fo peeps who's been reading, u guys knew the case. And the sequel to it, on 31st May, i went to the USM dental specialist, into the surgery room 1, and did the procedure. Just that. Hehe..nothing special. Nothing exciting. Gum screwed. I didnt feel a thing of course, as i was anesthesized. Yet i perspired my temples. Well who wouldnt? When you can hear the dentist telling the nurses over your head..for things like.."knives." "stitches." and "blood." It was psychologically disturbing, and i kinda felt bit of the 'pain'. haiyos.. glad it's (not all) over now.

I still have to go for checkups, coz the implant may develop complication, or fail. Only 6 weeks later will i be able to have the crown on.

Pray fo me ya! :) Minna arigato~!!

.spring.

In my heart. :)



Carnations, dandelions, tulips and roses.

Blooming blithesomely in the garden of my heart.

Oh there’s also cherry blossoms,

Effloresce in its part.

I just love how they blow in the wind

As they bespeak the joy that I am feeling.







I am home.

I am a daughter.

I am a sister. The eldest sister.



I am a girl.

I am a pixie.

We have our laughs.

Our pixiesh pranks.



I donned the summer dress.

Despite the spring.

It felt like winter. Vaguely winter.

My ivory jacket on.



We went up the hill.

We twirled on the swings.

We rode the cyclone, our breathings hurricaned. (even its fo kids, foheavenssake)

We superman-ed the machine, it typhooned.

We hiked up high, and dropped in a jiffy.

Our beats almost stopped. (in my case it did)

I screamed my tears out. (I thought I wasn’t a crybaby till then)



We burnt our red notes.

We got the tokens.

We threw the balls.

We got only the mini dolls.

Ahh..the red notes.. (T.T)



Massive burgers. (just in the menu picta they were big)

Fried ice cream.

Corn in cup.

Hot dogs.

Lollipops. Smiles.



We looked around.

We snapped.



We posed.

We snapped.



We smile.

We snapped.



We laugh.

We snapped.



I see them laugh.

I snapped.

Ahh..my family. :)









Hot chocolate, mocha.

Confused.



Big Apple, Dunkin Donuts.

Confused.



Sunflower, carnations.

Confused.



The bumper car, the go kart.

Confused.



Spring in London, summer in France.

Confused.



Lavender, lilac.

Confused.



White, Ivory.

Confused.



See with my ears, listen with my eyes.

Confused.



Take a break, go beyond.

Confused.



Morning person, all-nighter.

Confused.



Take it all in, let it all out.

Confused.



He loves me, he loves me not.

Confused...not. ;)



Never to run again.

Not another lap. ;p

I am..enamored.







Melati, mawar, kenanga, orkid…

Mekar kalian sampai kapan pun ya.

[caption id="attachment_97" align="aligncenter" width="460" caption="saje letak. comel pic ni.. :P"]FlowerGarden[/caption]