Let me tell you why I fear getting above 20.
Being 19, I think I'm allowed to get confused. I can always try, and mistakes are to be expected. Being 20, I just feel that we should already know things. It's like, someone telling me, "o just pick one already". I'm not allowed to stop at a junction, stare at the crossroads sign and contemplate, for there are just so much more to get through further ahead.
At 23, whenever I have some unsettled things inside my head, it's the same voice telling me constantly, making me more and more nervous, urging me to choose and NOT make mistake. It's like you're a pilot of Boeing747, and if you push the wrong button, all 359 passengers are going down.
Responsibility is such a big word. I believe it's true for most people. For a rather clueless girl like me, making choices is still a huge panic trigger. I once sweat, literally, when deciding wether i wanted to eat lunch at cafe or in my room. The same thing happened when i tried to decide wether i should allow my brother to go out with his friends when my parents left me in charge. I was already 22 at that time. But of course this doesn't happen all the time. I still manage to get most of my routine done without all the troublesome decision. Yet it still bothers me to grow up and have to make choices. Coz i'd still like mama to choose the suitable fabric for my Hari Raya apparels. Still wants my mama to tell me how many pots of rice to cook for a 5-people dine or 16 people dine...etc.
But I can't rely on others forever, can i? Sooner or later people may refer to me for advice or instructions like that. The stressful thing is, i don't know when or why my mind was set that 'training' time is over once 20 years old. Pass that, it's time to bring it to the table, act adult-like, and just do. I mean, aren't failures are to be applauded for you can learn from it? *sigh*
However instead of pitying my gerascophobic self, i might as well fight the panicking urge to make perfect decisions at the back of my head and grow old and wise, right? Keep moving forward, baby. :)
Have a great holiday, peeps. While there's still time. Eheh.