It's a statement, it's true, and it's how it naturally is.
Although I know, that in happy moments I am not forgotten,
yet,
in difficult moments I am not trusted
nor am I reached, in quiet moments
like how I was not made aware of the painful moments.
I should be happy that I am not some toilet paper. Shouldn't I?
Showing posts with label it hurts. Show all posts
Showing posts with label it hurts. Show all posts
Saturday, May 14, 2011
Sunday, November 22, 2009
where is my rainbow?
When you cry and cry and cry
And the sky cries with you
You'll miss your sunshine
And the two days went by
With you just crying harder.
Iliana. 1800.
And the sky cries with you
You'll miss your sunshine
And the two days went by
With you just crying harder.
Iliana. 1800.
Saturday, November 21, 2009
.stupidity beyond any reversed brilliance.
Tidakkah dia tahu betapa sakitnya aku?
Buat aku rasa tak percaya pada diri sendiri,
Buat aku rasa tak percaya pada diri sendiri,
Janjinya yang dah dimungkiri.
Aku dah tak dapat cari apa yang mungkin.
Yang lain, sudah tak dapat diterima logik akalku.
Sekarang ada dua kemungkinan. Salah satunya - aku yang bodoh.
Salah aku yang kecil ini.
Bila secara automatik sembunyi dalam topeng asli.
Aku fikir, aku memang pandai 'berkonfabulasi'.
Bila terlalu sakit untuk realiti.
Komputer pun tertipu.
Siapa berani kata yang sekarang, aku gembira?
Aku dah tak dapat cari apa yang mungkin.
Yang lain, sudah tak dapat diterima logik akalku.
Sekarang ada dua kemungkinan. Salah satunya - aku yang bodoh.
Salah aku yang kecil ini.
Bila secara automatik sembunyi dalam topeng asli.
Aku fikir, aku memang pandai 'berkonfabulasi'.
Bila terlalu sakit untuk realiti.
Komputer pun tertipu.
Siapa berani kata yang sekarang, aku gembira?
.IKLANEKA.
Tuan-tuan & puan-puan,
Kalau anda boleh;
1. Jadi patung sementara
2. Bawa roh jauh2 dari jasad untuk sementara
3. Potong keluar hippocampus dan amygdala anda buat sementara
4. Autopilot diri anda untuk 2 bulan dalam setiap tahun
5. Liquid-nitrogenkan jantung anda buat sementara
6. Hidupkan semuanya kembali kepada keadaan normal dan tempat asal selepas
2 bulan (mungkin lebih, dan kemungkinan itu 99.8%)
Tolong daftar dengan saya.
Anda mungkin calon yang tepat untuk satu peranan.
Iliana. 0500
It's post-war. It's suppose to be different.
It was time of the year again.
The boy has the dream.
His treasure was at the base of the pyramid.
The boy shall go in pursuit of his dreams.
And the girl shall wait.
She is the woman of the desert.
The women of the desert shall always wait for their men.
The strong women of the desert.
Their men are to wander as free as the winds that shape the dunes.
The dunes are altered by the wind, but the desert never change.
But sometimes, desert takes the men away, they don’t always return.
So the girl may cry.
She is the woman of the desert.
But above all, she is a woman.
Her treasure is him.
Iliana. 0020.
The boy has the dream.
His treasure was at the base of the pyramid.
The boy shall go in pursuit of his dreams.
And the girl shall wait.
She is the woman of the desert.
The women of the desert shall always wait for their men.
The strong women of the desert.
Their men are to wander as free as the winds that shape the dunes.
The dunes are altered by the wind, but the desert never change.
But sometimes, desert takes the men away, they don’t always return.
So the girl may cry.
She is the woman of the desert.
But above all, she is a woman.
Her treasure is him.
Iliana. 0020.
Sunday, September 27, 2009
...
It wasn't gastroentritis. Damn me for missing such sign & symptom. It may be his last days, and i'm gonna be by his side.
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
.melancholic.
This week we are in a new block, Hematology or ‘blood 101’. For those whose currently not in medical sciences, blocks are sorta ‘chapter’ which are divided by body systems (e.g. cardiovascular system, respiratory system) or certain medical fields (e.g. environmental health, family health). But I haven’t finished revising my last block yet, which was Musculoskeletal or ‘muscles and bones 101’. In fact, there are still Genitourinary (genitals and kidney related) block notes untouched (aaaaaaaarrrghhh!!!!)
Anyway,
I was revising the orthopedics tumor notes, when I came to the Osteosarcoma, cancer of bone. The most common one among a few more malignancies of bones. Reading about it reminded me of my late grand uncle, Tok Ayah. He passed away not so a year ago due to this disease. It was a rather tragic event. Not the dying, but the lost.
You see, my baba’s father died when he was in standard two. Leaving behind a widow (my beloved phlegmatic Che’) and 7 children, baba being the 4th. Tok wan (my real grandfather) has many sibilings, but only him and Tok Ayah came from the same biological parents. Baba said Tok Ayah has his elder brother's face. Not only that, they both also share the similar great minds. They were both teachers, Tok Wan was former Principal.
To baba, Tok Ayah was a father.
During hari raya, whenever we visit houses, since little, I would always stick to my mama who will (like the usual) chat *or gossips* with the makciks, and my other male sibilings will be with baba while he’s entertained by the male host. But when we visit Tok Ayah’s house, I’ve always find it interesting to sit near him and baba while they chat. Primarily because they gossip less (duh~) and talk only about the things that matters. Whenever he opened his mouth, I hear and see only wisdom and knowledge, inspiration. He is what he read. He talked perfect English. (He spoke Kelantanese with us though). With him around, I listened about education, development, world happenings, previous and current leaders, in a very factual, unpoliticised way. And somehow I believed he was aware that there was a girl really listening to what he was saying, for I noticed, he only talked a bit about politics when (he thinks) I wasn’t listening. He knew politics are too much conflicts rather than knowledge for a child to listen to. When I grew up a little, he started to consider my opinion in matters as well. Although only a bit, sometimes when he asked me about certain things, I feel important. And wise, too. ;P
I never knew, that he got any disease.
One weekend, in my second semester, baba picked me up at hostel. He said we will stop by at Tok Ayah’s place. I was so happy because we seldom visit him if not on Hari Raya. Then comes “Lamo doh tok gi umoh Tok Ayoh, baba pung bz. Sian ko Tok Ayoh, sakit kuat.” And I was, “Huh??”. Silence. Straight face. We arrived at Tok Ayah’s place, I stepped into the house, not finding him clapping a book close with his thick glasses nor smiling at me. In another part of the house, I saw him lying on a mattress, eyes half closed. Baba shook hands with him. I kissed Tok Mek (his wife) and sit still beside her. Too shocked to speak. Tok Mek told him that we were here. He tried to get up with baba’s help. He gasped for air, tried to speak. Baba and Uncle Din, his son, forbid him to. Uncle Din explained that the Ca went to his ribs, and metastasized to his lung. He knows I’m in medical sciences, and showed the MRI and X Rays films. Tok Ayah called for him and asked for a few things. Seemed like he could breathe better by then. Baba tried to make a light conversation, to fill in the silence, but he seemed in delirium, can’t really make out what he was going to say next. Then baba said “Takpolah, tok payoh kecek lah Ayoh, rehatlah”. I could see the despair in baba’s face. Though he exhibited a straight one. I could see he was hurt. Anticipating a lost that could never be replaced. He lost a father once, he was going to go through it all over again. No one to talk of pure wisdom with, no one to turn for the good old days to. I could feel it right then, and it seemed I inherited the stone-face too. So I resumed talking to Tok Mek about the symptoms, what, when, how…yadayadayada…till baba ask permission to head back. Baba shook his hand and kissed him. For the last time.
I didn’t get the chance to attend his funeral, because of classes.
How I wish I had spend more time with him. How I wish I had ask him more of the world. How I wish I had talk more to him, tell him about all the things that matters in my life, so that, maybe, he can advise me how can I lead my life to be as deep and thoughtful, as serious and purposeful, as philosophical and poetic, as sensitive to environment, as detail-contious, as conscientious and idealistic as him.
But I am grateful though, to have observed and listened, thus learnt a great deal while he was alive.
This is just merely a memory. Nothing much to take from. But if there’s something, please, be accessible to your family like, ALL the time. Never forget them in your prayers, don’t make study (or boy/girlfriend) as an excuse to neglect. You never know when might you lose one. The memories, their words for you, and their prayers are the things that gonna help you go through and get better in life, when they’re gone. Well that’s my opinion.
And yeah, please please please, keep yourself, AND your family healthy. Suspect any disease, GO FOR EARLY CHECK UP. :)
Anyway,
I was revising the orthopedics tumor notes, when I came to the Osteosarcoma, cancer of bone. The most common one among a few more malignancies of bones. Reading about it reminded me of my late grand uncle, Tok Ayah. He passed away not so a year ago due to this disease. It was a rather tragic event. Not the dying, but the lost.
You see, my baba’s father died when he was in standard two. Leaving behind a widow (my beloved phlegmatic Che’) and 7 children, baba being the 4th. Tok wan (my real grandfather) has many sibilings, but only him and Tok Ayah came from the same biological parents. Baba said Tok Ayah has his elder brother's face. Not only that, they both also share the similar great minds. They were both teachers, Tok Wan was former Principal.
To baba, Tok Ayah was a father.
During hari raya, whenever we visit houses, since little, I would always stick to my mama who will (like the usual) chat *or gossips* with the makciks, and my other male sibilings will be with baba while he’s entertained by the male host. But when we visit Tok Ayah’s house, I’ve always find it interesting to sit near him and baba while they chat. Primarily because they gossip less (duh~) and talk only about the things that matters. Whenever he opened his mouth, I hear and see only wisdom and knowledge, inspiration. He is what he read. He talked perfect English. (He spoke Kelantanese with us though). With him around, I listened about education, development, world happenings, previous and current leaders, in a very factual, unpoliticised way. And somehow I believed he was aware that there was a girl really listening to what he was saying, for I noticed, he only talked a bit about politics when (he thinks) I wasn’t listening. He knew politics are too much conflicts rather than knowledge for a child to listen to. When I grew up a little, he started to consider my opinion in matters as well. Although only a bit, sometimes when he asked me about certain things, I feel important. And wise, too. ;P
I never knew, that he got any disease.
One weekend, in my second semester, baba picked me up at hostel. He said we will stop by at Tok Ayah’s place. I was so happy because we seldom visit him if not on Hari Raya. Then comes “Lamo doh tok gi umoh Tok Ayoh, baba pung bz. Sian ko Tok Ayoh, sakit kuat.” And I was, “Huh??”. Silence. Straight face. We arrived at Tok Ayah’s place, I stepped into the house, not finding him clapping a book close with his thick glasses nor smiling at me. In another part of the house, I saw him lying on a mattress, eyes half closed. Baba shook hands with him. I kissed Tok Mek (his wife) and sit still beside her. Too shocked to speak. Tok Mek told him that we were here. He tried to get up with baba’s help. He gasped for air, tried to speak. Baba and Uncle Din, his son, forbid him to. Uncle Din explained that the Ca went to his ribs, and metastasized to his lung. He knows I’m in medical sciences, and showed the MRI and X Rays films. Tok Ayah called for him and asked for a few things. Seemed like he could breathe better by then. Baba tried to make a light conversation, to fill in the silence, but he seemed in delirium, can’t really make out what he was going to say next. Then baba said “Takpolah, tok payoh kecek lah Ayoh, rehatlah”. I could see the despair in baba’s face. Though he exhibited a straight one. I could see he was hurt. Anticipating a lost that could never be replaced. He lost a father once, he was going to go through it all over again. No one to talk of pure wisdom with, no one to turn for the good old days to. I could feel it right then, and it seemed I inherited the stone-face too. So I resumed talking to Tok Mek about the symptoms, what, when, how…yadayadayada…till baba ask permission to head back. Baba shook his hand and kissed him. For the last time.
I didn’t get the chance to attend his funeral, because of classes.
How I wish I had spend more time with him. How I wish I had ask him more of the world. How I wish I had talk more to him, tell him about all the things that matters in my life, so that, maybe, he can advise me how can I lead my life to be as deep and thoughtful, as serious and purposeful, as philosophical and poetic, as sensitive to environment, as detail-contious, as conscientious and idealistic as him.
But I am grateful though, to have observed and listened, thus learnt a great deal while he was alive.
This is just merely a memory. Nothing much to take from. But if there’s something, please, be accessible to your family like, ALL the time. Never forget them in your prayers, don’t make study (or boy/girlfriend) as an excuse to neglect. You never know when might you lose one. The memories, their words for you, and their prayers are the things that gonna help you go through and get better in life, when they’re gone. Well that’s my opinion.
And yeah, please please please, keep yourself, AND your family healthy. Suspect any disease, GO FOR EARLY CHECK UP. :)
Friday, March 6, 2009
.outsidered.
Outsidered
Heart retching, soul screeching,
For what I thought had I thought well
My heart and whole was still believing,
Yet it comes, no warning bell.
No need to wonder,
What wrong have I done
I see things clearly,
Towards the blame, now I run
You didn’t tell my heart farewell
Yet there I was, with unshed tears
With a love that neverendingly deepens
I can tell that I am now, an outsider.
This was written, and posted, while i was.. confused.
Now that i know better, it's not quite relevant anymore.
Yet i decided to keep it. To remind that i once went through this, utter confusion.
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