.tenetmenet.

Salam & good day peeps.

I'm sorry today i can't really put a smiley miley there (i name it miley. cute tak?) since am not really in a good mood.

Ok now nak mengadu tentang hal remeh ni.

Me lappy browser just kennnott get any slower. Grr. Just a piece of problem for each. When i use Google Chrome to blog, it does not show coloured text where it's supposed to. *macam mana nak emphasise some stuffs in my blog like that?* When i use Internet Explorer, it's not only mellow slow, but it also doesn't record me as the user. When i view my blog and wanna make amendments, i have to log in every time. Same goes to when i want to reply a comment by readers. Kadang-kadang tu tak login2. Atoinye.. As if that's not annoying enough, it HANGS too. =.=" Anybody knows how to handle these problems regarding the browsers?

Ok tu saja. Mintak maaf banyak merapu negatif di sini. Tak ada orang sangat nak berborak di rumah ni. huhu

p/s: tadi ada orang datang rumah. instead of bagi salam, dia panggil-panggil nama saja. banyak kali juga macam itu. maklumlah, rumah saya ni macam free access, people come and go insanely often. sebab kedai baju belum buka, so inilah kedainya. but still, i think it's rude not to give salam upon coming to people's house. i hope i will never forget to give salam whenever i visit other's.

.something is just not right tonight.

Assalamualaikum, and good evening there. :)

A lot has happened since i last blogged. I need not to elaborate further on what's been happening since nothing's worth telling anyway. I am no awesome tiny Canadian, namely Ellen Page, for an instance.

I am now in Penang, Minden campus, more specifically, for the centralised training session with my teammates. All in all, tonight i feel the worst. I feel like i am the worst player in the team up to now. Perhaps i am, perhaps i'm not. God i hope not.

My night training session tonight was a disaster. I played horrifically. No chance to win whatsoever with that kind of game, i told myself. Yet do not know what to do with it, since there's only 3 days left before MASUM. It's challenging for me to keep up with these people in my team, what more the opponents. It didn't start out like this though. When i first joined the practice, yesterday, i was eager. Eager to learn and practice. I don't know why but i feel like people has give up on me. I haven't give up with myself, no. But it seems like nobody would like to correct my mistakes. People just keep telling me, practice more. Well it may be alright if i am a top player or something, who just need to brush up a little. But i'm somewhat a noob i can't say. Please let me feel like i am needed in the team. Please let me know i am needed to play good game and win it for the team. We are one, aren't we? For now i think maybe i'm gonna be put in the game we're ready to 'tuang', if not benched.

And hell i hate it that i am now reading only medical books. How i hate that.

Things are just hateful tonight.

Think i'm just in a bad mood?

Perhaps.

.post ini tidak memerlukan title.

Aku yang tak berguna ni belum siap lagi case write up.

ah. these mood swings.

i've been thinking too much lately. yes, that must be it. been thinking too much.

about unimportant things. emotional things.

emotion needs care, but not excessively, or it shall become an obsession.

once it is, it may be hard to come out from.

thus i should be thinking about something more appropriate, like my upcoming exam, which need quality studying.

okay. let's.

.Age Is Just a Numbah.

Or so they say.

Let me tell you why I fear getting above 20.

Being 19, I think I'm allowed to get confused. I can always try, and mistakes are to be expected. Being 20, I just feel that we should already know things. It's like, someone telling me, "o just pick one already". I'm not allowed to stop at a junction, stare at the crossroads sign and contemplate, for there are just so much more to get through further ahead.

At 23, whenever I have some unsettled things inside my head, it's the same voice telling me constantly, making me more and more nervous, urging me to choose and NOT make mistake. It's like you're a pilot of Boeing747, and if you push the wrong button, all 359 passengers are going down.

Responsibility is such a big word. I believe it's true for most people. For a rather clueless girl like me, making choices is still a huge panic trigger. I once sweat, literally, when deciding wether i wanted to eat lunch at cafe or in my room. The same thing happened when i tried to decide wether i should allow my brother to go out with his friends when my parents left me in charge. I was already 22 at that time. But of course this doesn't happen all the time. I still manage to get most of my routine done without all the troublesome decision. Yet it still bothers me to grow up and have to make choices. Coz i'd still like mama to choose the suitable fabric for my Hari Raya apparels. Still wants my mama to tell me how many pots of rice to cook for a 5-people dine or 16 people dine...etc.

But I can't rely on others forever, can i? Sooner or later people may refer to me for advice or instructions like that. The stressful thing is, i don't know when or why my mind was set that 'training' time is over once 20 years old. Pass that, it's time to bring it to the table, act adult-like, and just do. I mean, aren't failures are to be applauded for you can learn from it? *sigh*

However instead of pitying my gerascophobic self, i might as well fight the panicking urge to make perfect decisions at the back of my head and grow old and wise, right? Keep moving forward, baby. :)

Have a great holiday, peeps. While there's still time. Eheh.

So, umm..

Assalamualaikum and good day, people.

Have you ever been warned, "don't immerse yourself in too much joy for sorrow will follow.."

Atau dalam bahasa Melayunya, "suka suka, nangis..."

Well it might a little, applied to me right now.

Remember how happy i was in my last entry? It didn't last that long since i lost 3 of my cute lil guppies right after i came back from KL. :'(

I bought myself those guppies in May when i decided i might be a lil lonely if i were to stay and study at home along the sem break. Had a hemisphere see-through bowl for them, a classic, added a few waterplants, and calling it their home - although after a while felt pity for them to swim in such tiny house and when i have money i want them to have a better spaced tank. Tapi tak sempat.. huaaaaa!!!! sobs.

I couldn't believe i forgot to take them with me to Kuantan. So far i've travelled with them whenever we left our house unattended, like going back to kampung, stay in KL and such. But that day i somehow forgot about them altogether, leaving them 3 days without food. Omg i was being cruel! I tought about them when i was in Kuantan, wishing they would still be okay. How wrong i was when i came back and saw 2 of my gupppies floating with their tiny tummy facing the surface. :'( I quickly sprinkled the fish food for the only one left. But she's not eating. Maybe she's too upset to eat, or she just hates me by then. I cleaned the bowl, gave her fresh environment, sprinkled more food, but after a while she still didn't eat it. And to add salt to the wound, she died the day after. :'( Bubbye me guppies... I named them but since i didn't recognize the fishes anyway, i gave up the names. I haven't even taken pictures with them for the memories.

Oh how can i be this mean?? What am i going to answer when i'm being questioned on the Judgement Day for being irresponsible of three unfortunate lives that i have caused to end? I can only pray that they'll be happier wherever they are now and that i may be forgiven.

I'm sorry guppies..truly am.. :'(

.bummer.

I think mama is upset with me today. Coz i don't want to drive her to Auntie Izah's in Bentong. I was sick. I AM sick. Have been coughing till my torso hurts. But since i don't have the sick look maybe, mama pushed me to go. Although she said it'll be only for a while, but i know better. The promised 15 minutes will definitely be 2 hours. I mean, come on, 20 minutes drive for a 15 minutes visit? Don't think so. And for the 2 hours i'd need to be smiling politely, watching them having conversation..look up from the 'Anjung Seri' pages that i've been flipping everytime i go there..(i can hafal which house pic in which page in which month's issues already). That can happen if i don't need to cough, and since my body hurt to do so, i'll be refraining myself from coughing quite often and look as if i have constipation. Ain't gonna put up with that. So i made my say. I'm not going!

"okay takpe, mama gi sorang."

"adik, jom teman mama?"

my bro, been listening to the whole thing, just agreed.

So they went. When they're back, mama hasn't been making any eye contact with me - although there are perfect chances every now and then.

*sigh*

Sorry la mama...sakit betul ni.. :(

.Small Issue.

You are a FRIEND, and you hear another friend bitching about her, you are yet to be sure who's closer to you, and you are clueless wether you SHOULD choose who's closer, and you are still in the middle of agreeing or not agreeing with the bitching-about that was done, so you don't know wether you should give advice to her with i-think-you-are-too in mind, or shall you remind her of her behaviour with the who-said-it coz even if it's not with the who-said-it, once you mention, she'll definitely know, and once she suggests it, you will LIE.

So does that make you, a coward?

What am i thinking? This is not even an issue. Ok bye.

.becoming the one i swore to hate. (well not really, we don't simply hate people. duh.)

Assalamualaikum and good day. :)

Hope it had been a fine, fine, week for you in the newest year of our life. ;)

In this week, one of the fillings in my little brown book is the PSP (Medical Student Association) debate match which i already ticked done. I trully appreciate the effort to promote debate in the school as we are indeed in total lack of it. However, sadly, there were only 2 groups took part in it. One group is the obvious, which is from usmkk debate club (is it official anyway?) and the contender was a group which we pulled together out of nowhere somewhere.. (as Iqbal said if we don't do this, the only one registered team will win undefeated, and i am not willing to let a debate won without any actual jaw-jaw done. Tabik spring kat Iqbal yang berani mencuba debat bahasa Inggeris walaupun dia sebenarnya lebih arif dalam debat bahasa Melayu & Hatif yang memang bidan terjun tulen. I admit that even I hesitated to join due to months of zero brainstorming on matters that matters.) However, the lack of participation is a blame to no one, as here in usmkk, we rarely find promotion or exposure on debate thingy. Many just haven't experience it and doesn't know yet, that it's really a natural high (as for me, at least) to speak out on something important, knowing that you actually have a mind on things that concerns the community. And that brings me to what i was thinking prior to letting my phalanges run on the keyboard.

After the debate, I read through our 'discussion' that i wrote down in my brown book and i realized, there were lots of flaws done during the debate, from my side of the team. Some of the points i elaborated on were away from our stance-the real thing we supposed to fight for-, and some other errors and ramblings that I shoudn't have done. So what actually have i been rambling on about? Where are the analysed pieces of thoughts by the readings done? Have i really been reading anything? Have i actually been talking nonsenses just to get over a debate? To win one?

There are two kind of debaters - the one who really want to have an opinion on matters and wants his thought to be heard and counted in for the better solution, and another, is the one who doesn't really care about the world, he just wants to fight about it. (well there maybe more, but my brain just have this capacity. muahaha)

I'm afraid that as the time fly by, i have been a little 'shallow', and might fall into the second category. I realised i read less of books/webs on facts or intellectual minds in blogs nowadays. My interest have shifted to blogs with lots and lots of photos, especially on fashion and interior designs. But then, it's not a crime, is it? Eheh..heh..heheh.. heh.. Hmm..

Adoila...then i guess i am in jeopardy of turning into someone the attitude i swore to hate dislike a bit. Read more please, Iliana. Do not let your mind starve and die in ignorance.

where is my rainbow?

When you cry and cry and cry

And the sky cries with you

You'll miss your sunshine

And the two days went by

With you just crying harder.

Iliana. 1800.

.don't worry, i don't understand this myself.

A writer. A poet? Perhaps an artist. Free soul yet abide contently to THE rules. Singing to me, to hold me away from my constant worries. Of the demanding life of, ironically, a wall flower. To knock me on the cranium with a mutual wish of a chance of spilling the filling all over. Ready, to crouch with me and dwell in my melancholy, sprightly waltz with me when sense my chortling sentiment. To never let me let myself be pushed for the bit of rationality i have always sensed in the present logic. Not ridiculed, perhaps just chaffed, in whatever form i am or bespeak of. They say with sacrifices, you treasure it more. I say with blithe, i add up to the hoard. As i am easily fatigued of the cliches.

Yet again, life is no movies.

The vacant future, must be fulfilled. Must be de-void of what benefit all significant presence(s). There's always. That can crack a smile in me, although before long, or even right before, i know, or i thought i know, all too well, that it didn't in the one who claimed so, causing me to not hold the flexing zygomaticus much longer . Which sometimes, leave me all too plain.

So again, what do you want?

I shut up.

I don't talk anymore, remember?

And now i already can't, just like i always have been.

I am not sorry.

.put my mind in the game.

I feel like doodling with the small colourful sticks. But assignments not done yet.

Must.

Resist.

Oil pastels.

Get down to your definite gameplan, young laydayy. Then play.

*focus iliana focus*

.wide open space.

I see u adrift

I fell in silence

For I don’t talk

Not anymore

I wish for you

To sit beside me

To lie beside me

To crouch beside me

In the wide open space

And just see through me.

For I don’t talk

Not anymore.

Do you sense the woebegone little girl?

What does she have to tell?

Listen,through my eyes.

Look hard into my voice.

Is that bliss glittering,

Or is it grief, deepening.

I wait for, full of thoughts provoking

Not the sincere and gentle talking

With languor whispers and utters.

I awaits a friend of sacred rights,

0r claimed the lover, of heaven’s heights.

As I feel the solicitude

Has loosen its grip on me

Yet I don’t know

What right has I

To where do I stand

To deserve the heedfulness

To what extent could I have you to agree

So I don’t talk.

Not anymore.

I spilled

I blabbed

I just don’t talk.

Not anymore.

Won’t you want to make me?

*a few lines that are juggled from 1 of william blake (i think) i read somewhere somewhen*